Get Un-Used to the Struggle

I have this horrible habit of talking myself out of good things. I see something I want and begin preparing to make it mine and then I stop. My motivation flees and there I am left all in my Gucci ba- no wait… Louie, Neverfull bag- because I just stopped. I will find a job description that looks amazing and I will plan to apply but then just won’t. I will start saving for a large purchase and then suddenly change my mind and not make the purchase. It is the strangest thing. It’s like I don’t want to see myself happy.

Now, I am not someone who you would point out as having low self-esteem or other self-image problems. On the contrary, you should thank my momma and daddy for teaching me how awesomely wonderful I am, and how all should be honored to be graced with my presence- no matter how hit by a bus I look that day. I am a pretty content and joyful person.

I think that I am just so used to the struggle that when I am not struggling as much I feel uncomfortable.

I also do this in relationships (I keep telling ya’ll to stay out my business, I’m single till I tell you I’m not). I have a tendency to self- sabotage relationships, only letting the lucky guy in so far. I am super guarded and give just enough to make the relationship “comfortable” but not enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. It’s a tussle between my gangsta and my heart.  I am a mess. I’m a runner! I don’t do the whole feelings thing. I guess I am afraid to allow myself to be that kind of happy…

Lately, I have been forcing myself out of my “just enough” comfort zone. I am making myself to stop asking God for survival when I pray and opening myself up for whatever it is he sees fit to bless me with. I am (working on) stopping the mental blockage that comes when I begin to do something for myself and stop. I have been working on opening up to my friend-friend and allowing him space within me that  I have let nobody else occupy (get your mind out of the gutter, I am saved, sanctified, righteous, holy and a child of the most high king! I don’t do such things that you know of. And if I do, it ain’t none of your friend’s business). I am letting him in.

All of this is uncomfortable. I am pushing my limits. I am learning to be more selfish less of a “yes” woman. I am learning how to be more intimate. I am learning how to trust the God knows what he is doing and to satdown.  

I say all this to say, we are all a work in progress. We are all just trying to figure things out. We are all bending, stretching, and growing. We are trying to evolve into the very best version of ourselves we can be.  Lean into it. Let happen. Not to sound too Super Soul Sunday, but the pain is how you grow. That uncomfortable feeling can feel good if you give it some time. Relax, just go with it. I promise it will all be worth it. Growth takes time and it can hurt, but in the end, you blossom into you true Kylie Jenner self (minus the work that they try to hide.)

Get un-used to the struggle and get hip to the incredible coming your way!