Quarantine Chronicles IV: Hustle Hard, But Not too Hard
Around Easter my heart started racing and the world caved in on me. I was going to die….or so I thought. What I know now is that I was having a classic panic attack. I had them for months but instead of going to the doctor, I was too busy. Too busy to take care of myself.
I’ve always been a go-getter. I set my mind on something and I do it- plain and simple. But what I wouldn’t tell you, and I’d bet many other “goal-oriented” people would say the same, is that I lived life constantly under pressure. Most of the time that pressure wasn’t external; it was internal. I expect so much of myself, for many reasons.
Living in a town like Los Angeles, that pressure is exacerbated as you constantly walk, and join Zoom calls with, your competition. Webinars and phone calls with mentors encourage you to constantly produce content- especially in the age of Corona. When the lockdown began, I started working from home and I was going to take advantage of it! I was going to finally make my dreams happen- while having a steady paycheck.
Within 3 weeks of working from home, I obtained a freelance gig writing 10 music reviews weekly; I also got an internship with the local talk show I wanted to work with. All of this while still doing my full time gig, writing for the outlets I was already working with, leading Bible study at my church, and a pesky pandemic. I was alone in my apartment, separated from my family on the east coast but the sadness didn’t matter. I was on my grind and making the pandemic work for me- until it didn’t.
“I also forgot that we tend to mix American philosophy with Biblical theology- just because an opportunity comes my way doesn’t mean it’s from God; not everything is for me or this season.”
I had a panic attack and suddenly I was forced to slow down. Anything I did other than rest caused those symptoms to come back. I literally had to lay on my couch and watch The Office. I guess I didn’t have to watch it, but some show I already knew the ending for. I had to miss a week of small group, miss my article deadline, leave the internship, and even take a day off from work. I couldn’t take it anymore and all those months (and years) of anxiety finally came to a head.
I had to reevaluate everything in my life- figuring out what mattered, what I could control, and (most importantly) accept the painful truth that I’m not a machine. I found myself asking the Lord how I could possibly keep up with my competition if I’m not constantly producing content and “grinding”. He began to remind me of a few things I forgot.
I forgot the pain that Isaac caused Abraham and Sarah. I forgot that promotion comes from the Lord; I forgot that David, Joseph, and many others had a calling on their lives- and they didn’t hustle for it. None of them put themselves there. And they fulfilled every plan and purpose God had for them- by being obedient and letting Jesus take the wheel.
I also forgot that we tend to mix American philosophy with Biblical theology- just because an opportunity comes my way doesn’t mean it’s from God; not everything is for me or this season. We remember this in relationships, but somehow we forget when it comes to everything else.
Now calm down- I’m not advocating for laziness. But I am saying take a minute and look at your life. Take a minute and think about your heart. Take another minute and think about your self-care routine. Do you build-in a rhythm of rest? Do you practice sabbath or just look at it as the day you go to church?
Have you patterned your life after the methods and ways of Jesus or after the god of American success? I urge you to look at your routine/hustle differently. Consider walking out the Biblical patterns of work and rest/release. As you do this, you will be far from perfect and you will stumble as you try to work this new pattern into your life. But as you do, you’ll find that you have the energy for what’s truly important and the margin to let God speak and your body rest. I truly believe that as we embark on this journey together, God will take us to exactly where He wants us to be.
Hustle hard, but not too hard.
-Princess Carroll
Princess Carroll is an on-air host, TV producer, speaker, and writer. She has developed a robust entertainment career at top companies and shows. Her perspective and passion for loving people shines through in all she does. Producing, writing and getting the job done are her specialties.
