The Creation Story…Kinda…

This week has been an interesting one for me. It started off extremely well. This was the first week of the year and I made my way to the church house for the first communion of the year. (I’m super AME apparently and needed to hear some “blood music”- didn’t happen the way I wanted it to.) I made it, I worshiped and it felt AMAZING! Like, Imma be honest with y’all, I have been enjoying my worship from my bed these past few months with intermittent sojourns to the actual edifice. Between nursing a foot injury (annoyance) and just being lazy and allowing myself to get comfortable I have really just been in my own space. It’s been weird though. I have felt like super disconnected from God, and for a while not.

So, here’s the story all about how my life turned… wait, no, sorry. Got carried away. But forreal, I promised I’d share how we got to LBW. So here goes.

Back about 2012-2013, I was kind of exploring this writing thing. I was new to Baltimore and kind of consistently going to church and bible study. All around working on that whole me-God, God-me relationship. Then things got a little bit creepy at the church. Some grown-behind man in leadership thought he could say things to me (I was 22-23) and get away with it. I felt uncomfortable and left as quickly as I came. (Luckily, I wasn’t turned off from a relationship with my God completely because that’s how church-hurt happens. We can talk about that another time.) I chucked the deuces like I was from VA in 2004 and didn’t search for another church home. I was through and headed back to A-T-L cruisin’ because, Baby, I was over this mess. But I was kinda struggling. It was strange.

What was I struggling with you ask? Well, everyone is called to do something. I don’t care what you practice or your belief system is, you are called to do something that only you with your talents and unique experiences can do. At that time I was being told by some folk with some weight behind their names that I was being called to become a preacher. UMMMM Excuse the out of you??!!! No. Not me, not here, not now, not ever. But I struggled because I could tell I was supposed to be teaching. But preaching is teaching in a way, but still, no.

To help me kind of sort things out I began to write. It started off more like a journal. It was my way of really hearing from God. And I did. And preaching, not for me. But writing was. I started a blog on Tumblr (before censorship) and began to really explore, through the written word, life, my relationship with God and with people. I began to really evaluate what I wanted to do and what I felt led or driven to do. Things were getting better, I got out of Baltimore and was just all around doing my thing. And I stopped writing.

I was just kinda coasting for like 2 years not doing what I needed to be doing, not walking in my purpose. I moved to two different states (I was in Baltimore, then hit my beloved ATL and the back home for a stint) and was on my way to the new life just around the corner from Forrest Hills Drive and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I needed to get writing again. I mean I was even told to write by a prophet. I mean, smack me in the face why don’t ya?  I did listen. I started writing a devotion and sending it out a few times a week to women who didn’t hate me for spamming them (-you know who you are and you are the real MVPs. Love ya’ll!).

Well, I eventually got a bright idea; what not start a website? A site is a one-stop-shop to read all of the things I write, and I could automate the whole email sending thing instead of being up crazy hours to do so. But this was short-lived. At some point, writing became a chore for me. It wasn’t a cathartic release nor did I feel like I was growing from it. I was tired. I stopped writing altogether.  

I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time but I was starting to disconnect. There was a distance growing between me and God. I was just kinda doing my own thing and coasting but there was this growing distance, and it wasn’t just from God, there was a distance even from the people around me. I’d be in the room and we’d be laughing it up, but it didn’t feel good. It was taxing. Just a super uncomfortable feeling. Like I know I like these people but this feels empty and ridiculous. I needed to get it together.

I have this one friend, a big sister- we all need these people in our lives- who had been telling me something was wrong, that I seemed off. She kept asking me what was going on. She was forcing me to be honest with myself. She forced me to explore why I was feeling this way and why I wasn’t attending church. She could see a hole.

There was a God-sized hole that I was trying to fill with people, dating, traveling, my puppy, work… almost anything,  almost anything. I wasn’t writing because there was a hole where the words should have been. I was (forgive the cliche) trying to pour from an empty cup. And what I felt it, I had to be honest with myself. I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing. Writing is in me, it’s something I am passionate about. It is something I am called to do.

Fast forward a few years, then stop and rewind a couple of months, I am doing research on which platform is going to be the best for me to host my site. I renew my domain name, and I start collecting images for the website. I start to really flush out what the goal and mission of the newest iteration of this website thing will be. I start to dig into the kind of honesty and transparency I want to display on the site. I start to carve out a plan. FF back to about 2 weeks ago and here we are, LBW is launched and some of you have already subscribed!

I was struggling and felt empty. I feel refreshed now. I am back to writing and enjoying it again. I am sharing my life with women and soon other women will be sharing their lives with me. LBW is a forum in which we can chat with each other. A place to be honest- no judgment. A place where we can come together and laugh, or cry, whatever. A place to talk about our relationships with our God (or whatever you believe) or your relationship with him or her. This is a unique place for women of color, from all walks of life to come together and share our lives and learn from each other. (See, I’m teaching!)

So there it is. That is the story. LBW may continue to evolve. I how it does, and I hope you are a huge part of how and why.